I Hate My Teacher
by TightropeDancing
Summary: The teacher's been fired, and a new one's been hired to teach class at Mochinoki Middle School. Can Kiyomaro survive the terror of this new teacher?
1. Fear the Twinkie!

**Chapter 1: Fear the Twinkie!**

I have writer's block on my other story. The writer's block is not too bad, and I'm still working on the chapter… But, suddenly… I decided to write this. It came upon me in school, and, unlike other ideas that generally germinate in the recesses of my sick mind, most people I showed this to found it amusing. And I promised you I would, Liz. So, yeah. This one will be short, and I have most of it written out.

And I might have gotten Kiyomaro's real teacher's name wrong. But he's barely mentioned.

Don't expect this to be too good. I'm just messing around.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own any of this at all. Not Konjiki no Gash Bell, not Twinkies, not even the teacher in question… Nothing.

…………..

Yesterday, Mr. Yamato had been arrested. Kiyomaro heard it was for possession of firearms without a license. Iwashima thought the aliens had taken their instructor to the place where they took the Social Studies teacher's wife's grandmother. Yamanaka figured that Mr. Yamato had finally snapped, and gone on a homicidal rampage through a bingo hall with a baseball bat. Suzume didn't know their teacher's name, much less the reason of his disappearance.

In reality, Yamato had been smoking marijuana in the school bathroom, and he'd been caught by Kaneyama, who said he'd get him fired. In a moment of rage, Yamato had shot Kaneyama and put him into a coma with the firearms he illegally possessed.

So, now Yamato was in jail, and many students we left without a teacher. The principal had hired the first teacher that applied. Her name was Mrs. Greenya. Mrs. Greenya had held teaching positions all over the world, and had most recently been teaching in America. She was old, fat, and not once had a student liked her. She was probably insane, at that. But the poor students at Mochinoki Middle School didn't know this.

As Kiyomaro sat at his desk waiting for class to begin, he wondered what sort of person his new teacher would be. He hoped she'd be better than Yamato; he always left Kiyomaro to explain almost everything to his friends.

"Takamine-kun!" Suzume called, walking up to Kiyomaro with a file-folder in her hand. "I heard something about the new teacher, but I can't remember what!"

At times, Kiyomaro couldn't believe how ditzy Suzume was. "Try to remember," he said, though he figured he would be skeptical about the truth in Suzume's report. If this report ever came, that was.

After a few moments, it finally came to Suzume. "I heard her old students in America called her Mrs. Twinkie!"

Mrs. Twinkie. Shyeah, right. Kiyomaro blankly stared at his classmate, and then spoke. "I doubt they called her Mrs. Twinkie. Anyways, where did you hear this, Mizuno?"

"Oh, I read it in this folder I found in a drawer in the school office!" Suzume lifted Greenya's teaching record from her side.

Kiyomaro nearly screamed. "Mizuno! You're not supposed to go through the drawers in the office.

There was a moment's pause.

"Takamine-kun, what is this word?" asked Suzume, who offered her fellow classmate the file.

Kiyomaro took the file from Suzume's hand. He opened it up and began to read aloud.

"Nicknames from students…" Kiyomaro looked at the title heading, and then proceeded to read. "Greenyanator, It, Mrs. Twinkie…." There it was, "Mother-of-Several-Illegitimate-Children, Zophise…" How the heck did _that_ one get there? "Freak, Creature, El Chupacabra, Mount Greenya…" the list went on and on, seemingly without end.

Kiyomaro shut the file, and a short note fell out.

"Don't believe her about asking questions," Kiyomaro read, "From: Past Victims"

As an overweight, elderly woman walked in, Kiyomaro shoved the file-folder under his desk.

"Hello, class," said the woman known as Mrs. Greenya, "In this class, you may be leaving your comfort zone…" Comfort zone? "Feel free to ask questions whenever you want!" There was what the note warned against.

Suzume, who had forgotten the note's warning, raise her hand to ask what her 'comfort zone' was. No one else knew the answer, either.

Greenya turned to look at Suzume.

Kiyomaro could swear that he saw Greenya's eyes turn red in rage as she glared at the spacey young girl before her.

"**Now is NOT the time to ask questions!**" Greenya bellowed, causing the earth to shake violently in the presence of her awesome power. Maybe not literally, but this served to terrify the students, especially Suzume. "Now… remember," she snarled, beginning another sentence.

The class carried on, and Greenya droned on. Kiyomaro figured that this was the most boring lecture he had ever heard, and Kiyomaro had heard some pretty boring lectures.

Kiyomaro looked about the room about ten minutes into the lecture from hell. Suzume was still in severe shock, but most of the terror had turned to boredom in the ten minutes of class. Yamanaka was asleep. Iwashima was silently begging the aliens to abduct him. Some other students, in an attempt to escape from the tortuous drone, were trying to slit their wrists using plastic rulers or impale themselves with their pencils, most of which were dull. One kid was reading, got caught, and was mauled by Greenya. This put the class into another state of terror, which then, once again, reverted to extreme boredom. Another girl was chipping her nail polish off, but then passed out right in the middle of de-coloring her left thumb. Luckily, her math book cushioned her fall, and Greenya did not hear the impact.

The class was just that boring. You had to envy Kaneyama for being comatose.

Suddenly, into the classroom, clad in a gym-bag, burst none other than Gash Bell. Kiyomaro would have yelled at his mamono, but he was too terrified of the wrath of the Twinkie, which he knew would soon be turned upon him.

"No!" Kiyomaro mentally screamed, "I'm doomed!

…………..

It'll be funnier next chapter, really. Anyhow, I have most of this written up, and will probably type out the other chapters in other times of writer's block…

Review, or I'll find your address and give it to the Manticore from Boogiepop!


	2. Oh My God! Flying Monkeys!

**Chapter 2: Oh My God! Flying Monkeys!**

Hello! I still have writer's block on my other story… So I figure I post at least something before I go to Vegas for spring break. Not more airplane-travel… I don't like airplanes. Anyhow, I guess I better type it out now… Ehe.

And I did get Kiyomaro's teacher's name wrong. It was Toyama, not Yamato.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything. Not Konjiki no Gash Bell, not flying monkeys, not even the teacher in question, nothing!

…………

Kiyomaro beheld the mamono as he burst into the room, unaware of the wrath of Greenya, now focused on the blonde boy laughing and parading around the room.

"Hi, Kiyomaro's class!" Gash shouted, taking off his gym-bag disguise.

Most of the students had the same thoughts, which were along the lines of 'I wouldn't want to be Takamine right now.' Another common one was 'I hope they serve orderves at Takamine's funeral.'

"Who brought this child into my classroom?" roared the Greenyanator. Nobody moved, as they did not want to betray a fellow classmate to the Terror of the Twinkie.

Minutes passed in silence. Even Gash was completely still. "I'll _peenalize_ you all if you don't tell me!"

At first there were a few giggles from the extremely temerarious at the word 'peenalize', but once the class figured out she meant 'penalize', they all pointed at Kiyomaro in fear for their lives.

Greenya walked up to Kiyomaro, her footfalls causing the earth to tremor.

Kiyomaro backed himself up in his chair, bracing himself in fear as Mount Greenya loomed above him.

As the wrath of El Chupacabra as about to befall the cringing Kiyomaro, in stepped the principal.

"Hello, Mrs. Greenya! How's your first day?"

"It's been perfectly peachy," Greenya said, her voice now calm and polite. Most of the students gagged at the term she used. "The only problem is that Mr. Takamine here has brought a child into our classroom."

The principal looked at Gash and smiled. "Gash is okay, he can stay." The principal then slammed the door.

Greenya, who still did not like having Gash in her classroom, glared at the keeper of the red book. Her beady little eyes seemed to say, "_**I'll get you my pretty, and your little mamono, too**!_" Here, Kiyomaro began to have hallucinations of flying monkeys.

Greenya then turned to Gash. "Don't you dare try and interrupt this class," she snarled, foaming slightly from the mouth. Gash very slowly retreated back into the gym-bag in fear, and zipped it up. The bag quivered as the terrified demon inside it shook.

Kiyomaro sighed in relief, as the principal had saved his life. Still, the hallucinogenic flying monkeys still circled overhead, bearing their fangs at him.

Greenya went back to her incredibly boring lecture. "And so, the square root of one-hundred sixty-nine is… oh, hey look, it's snowing!"

And indeed it was. Half of the occupants of the room, including Suzume and Gash, crowded over to the window to see the new snowfall.

This angered the mother-of-several-illegitimate-children. "Did I say you could get up?" she roared at the students.

Kiyomaro's flying monkey hallucinations turned towards the window, laughing manically and shrieking in delight in their extreme bloodlust. They twisted their hideous faces towards their prey, the childlike and gleeful middleschoolers who had only followed their most innocent instincts…

As Greenya opened her mouth to screech, which would probably have destroyed all glass in the vicinity of the school, the glorious bell rang, dismissing the class. They immediately evacuated the danger-zone, some even forgetting to take their books and pencils with them.

…………..

"Okay, class!' the literature teacher smiled, "Today we practice Shakespearean Insults!"

Kiyomaro rubbed his temples. It had been an entire week since Greenya took over as teacher of his homeroom and math classes, a week of hell.

Mrs. Greenya was a terrible teacher. She got distracted during class. She had violent and unpredictable mood swings, and the flying monkeys all seemed to be staring at Kiyomaro. This had to be a bad omen.

The literature teacher handed out a study guide on the insults of the Elizabethan Era. "Class, we're going to have a fun lesson today! Have fifteen minutes and use those insults on the other students!" 

The class got to it, most of them laughing.

"Takamine's a cankerly, ill-mannered lewdster!" giggled Iwashima.

"So…" Kiyomaro started, looking at the list. These were the stupidest insults he had ever seen! Seriously, how could the word 'tawny' insult anyone? "You can go before me, Mizuno," Kiyomaro said.

"Okay!" Suzume said cheerily. "Uhm… uh…" Suzume stared long and hard at the list. "Oh! I think Iwashima is a quivering, stenchy ignoramus!" Suzume chuckled.

Kiyomaro had his Shakespearean insult ready. "You're a doggish, mottled, applejohn, Yamanaka," An 'applejohn' sounded like something you could buy at Dunkin' Donuts to Kiyomaro.

"Well," retorted Yamanaka, "You're a dick!"

"Uhm, Yamanaka, we're supposed to use the things on this list." Kiyomaro waved the piece of paper.

"Oh, then you're a pig-nut, Takamine."

Kiyomaro had no idea how to respond to this one.

"Okay, class! Here's the fun part! You can insult _me_!" said the literature teacher, smiling.

A few students took their turns, but nobody really disliked the literature teacher all that much, even if she sounded like she was talking to kindergarteners all the time. Not many people went.

A boy raised his hand, and said, "I think we'd have more participation if we could insult Mrs. Greenya!"

"I'll pretend I didn't hear that," the literature teacher said, still smiling.

The class laughed, but Kiyomaro didn't, thinking, "Greenya's probably so old she's know what they really mean."

Kiyomaro had math next, for which he would have to return to Greenya's classroom. Kiyomaro dreaded the coming bell…

…………..

Applejohn is a funny word. So, see you all soon, I guess!

Review, now, foul applejohns!


	3. Jurrasic Pork

**Chapter 3: Jurassic Pork**

And so we come to the conclusion of the sad attempt to vilify my math teacher forever on the internet comes to a close in this chapter, the stupidest thing I have ever written. Oh, well, I had fun doing so.

And if you can't tell, I like Poptarts.

Anyhow, somewhere in this chapter, the things that actually happened to students end, and my weird ideas begin.

I ripped off of Jurassic Park a bit here, but I've also ripped off of The Wizard of Oz, and a tiny, tiny bit of Monty Python… and let's not forget this is fanfiction, so… Yeah.

**Disclaimer**: I don't own anything. Not Konjiki no Gash Bell, not Jurassic Park, not the Wizard of Oz, not Twinkies, not anything else I may mention… Heck, I don't even own Mrs. Greenya.

…………..

"Psst… Kiyomaro!"

Kiyomaro felt a tugging on his pant leg. He ignored the tugging and the whispering of his name, both coming from Gash Bell.

"Psst… Kiyomaro!" Gash tugged at Kiyomaro's pant leg again.

Kiyomaro turned toward the clock. It was about a minute or two till Greenyasaurus Rex would unleash its power upon the class. On a side note, the students of Mochinoki Middle School had reason to believe that the picture of Mrs. Greenya's husband on her desk was really Greenya herself wearing a fake moustache.

"Unuu! Kiyomaro! Has the Greenyanator brainwashed you?" squealed Gash, who then began to scream. Loudly. This turned heads toward the pair, and Kiyomaro finally answered, yelling.

"What?! What is it, Gash!?"

"Nothing, I just wanted to wish you good luck in Mrs. Greenya's class today," Gash said innocently.

Apparently, only Kiyomaro could see the flying monkeys that occupied Greenya's classroom, as Gash did not flinch as the winged primates snarled at him.

"Oh, thanks."

"Hey, Kiyomaro, where's Suzume?" asked Gash, who looked around for the short-haired girl in vain, as she was not in the classroom.

"Oh, some of her friends got her to play sick so she could leave. Greenya hates her more than the rest of the class," explained Kiyomaro. And it was true, Greenya had despised Suzume ever since the matter of the question. Kiyomaro didn't blame Suzume for pretending to be ill in the least bit.

"Well, I better get outta here," said Gash, "before Mrs. Greenya comes in!"

As Gash mentioned her name, Mount Greenya rose from the earth behind him.

Kiyomaro stared in horror at the Wicked Witch of Algebra as a flying monkey perched on her shoulder, making a twisted giggling noise.

"Unuu… Mrs. Greenya's right behind me… isn't she?" whimpered Gash, shivering in the shadow of the beast.

Kiyomaro could only turn his eyes toward his mathbook and away from Gash to avoid the gruesome slaughter.

…………..

Poor Gash, thought Kiyomaro, Greenya had really gone nuts on the kid in a way even Adolf Hitler would find harsh. And he hadn't actually been doing anything aside from being in the classroom, and the principal had approved of that…

This was why Kiyomaro was taking Gash to buy a Poptart (the best thing he had the money for on him at the time) from the school vending machine. The extent of the slaughter upon the blonde mamono had been so terrible that the entire school saw Gash as a martyr.

Classes had ended, and all of the students had left except for Kiyomaro.

"Okay, Gash, we're here," said Kiyomaro softly, as Gash had suffered severe mental trauma from his encounter. Gash was shaking uncontrollably, and had to lean against Kiyomaro's leg to walk.

"What type of Poptarts would you like, Gash?" 

At the mention of Poptarts, Gash perked up. "Unuu! Blueberry poptarts!" he shouted in joy.

So much for mental trauma, thought Kiyomaro. Still, the teenager bought Gash a Poptart, as the kid had taken quite a bit of abuse from the power of the monster.

After Gash ate his Poptart, and was already off thinking about his beloved yellowtail, bookkeeper and mamono headed back towards the doors at the front of the school, until they stopped dead in their tracks.

Right in front of them was Greeyna's classroom. They'd have to pass by the doorway to get home.

"Do you think she's in there, Kiyomaro?" whispered Gash.

Kiyomaro listened. The shuffling of papers affirmed his suspicion, and he slowly nodded to the blonde boy.

"So do we go really fast to get it done with, or really slow to avoid making any noise?" asked Gash quietly, bringing up the matter of the speed at which they would go past the door to the black hole that was Greenya's classroom.

Kiyomaro turned to Gash, and said, "Really, really fast." Kiyomaro picked Gash up by the back of his garbage-bag-with-a-bow-in-front dress, and ran for his life at high speed. It was quite a shame that one of Gash's legs made contact with a metal locker that was one of many lining the hallway.This made a rather loud noise, which, of course, drew the attention of the Killer Twinkie to the hallway. She thundered into the hall as Gash rubbed his foot, his eyes filled with tears.

"Oh, crap…" muttered Kiyomaro.

"What are you doing on school property after hours?" asked Greenya, foaming from the mouth and snarling.

When Kiyomaro and Gash failed to answer, Greenyasaurus Rex let out a roar, shaking the earth. She lumbered towards them, figurative fangs bared.

"Kiyomaro! We have to run!" screamed Gash.

"No! We'll never outrun it, even using Rauzaruku!" replied Kiyomaro, referring to his math teacher as an 'it'. "Besides, its vision is based on movement! Stand still and it won't see you!"

Gash and Kiyomaro froze. As they stood, cold sweat covering their bodies, Greenya drew nearer… and turned her head in confusion.

"Where did you go?!" she shrieked, her voice filled with anger and frustration. Kiyomaro fought to remain still as Greenya milled around, looking for them with her beady little eyes.

As Greenya turned to find other prey by the vending machines, possibly members of the chess club as she had eaten on Wednesday, Gash just had to sneeze. Greenya did a full turn around to face the two, grinning menacingly. "I know where you are you little rats!"

Greenya charged Gash and Kiyomaro at high speed. Before Greenya could devour the two, Kiyomaro whipped out his red book in fear for his life.

"_Zakeruga!_"

The bolt of lightning spiraled directly at Greenya, but bounced off her lard, hitting the ceiling. This did absolutely no harm to her whatsoever, but the dust created in the impact on the ceiling was enough to mask Kiyomaro and Gash's speedy getaway down the hallway.

As Kiyomaro ran for his life, he came across the thought, "_Oh my god, I've attacked my teacher! If the principal catches wind of this, which he's going to, I'll get a detention or something, and **mom will kill me**! Oh, I'll be grounded until I'm thirty, at least! I better finish this and dump the corpse in a river somewhere!_"

"Gash!"

"Unuu?"

"We have to save the school from Greenya's wrath, even if it costs us our lives!" Kiyomaro said, hiding his true motives of avoiding the anger of his mother.

Gash turned around to look at Greenya as he and Kiyomaro stopped running. However, when faced with the beast herself, they decided bravery would get them nowhere and was _not_ an option. They continued running, all the while loudly screaming, "Run away! Run away!"

Kiyomaro was getting exhausted. However, he soon saw salvation: the men's room. She certainly wouldn't go in there, would she? Kiyomaro knew kids had gotten suspended or expelled for wandering into the bathroom designated for the opposite gender, so he figured a teacher certainly wouldn't do it, right?

But if Kiyomaro's theory was wrong… he and Gash were… well… in short… screwed.

Kiyomaro decided to take the chance and run into the bathroom, past the sink and urinals and into the very last stall.

From the next cubicle over to Kiyomaro and Gash's, a column of foul-smelling smoke rose. The principal's voice could be heard singing the 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' theme song.

…The heck? Did all teachers smoke in the bathrooms? Kiyomaro could only wonder.

Moments passed. Neither Kiyomaro nor Gash spoke. The only sound aside from the principal singing was the dripping of the sink. (All school water-fixtures such as sinks or water fountains suck and never work properly, as this is a law of nature.) After forty-five seconds that seemed like forty-five minutes, they were assured that the danger had passed. Kiyomaro let out a sigh of relief, but then noticed that Gash was staring in horror at the toilet bowl.

The water in the toilet was shaking, and Kiyomaro was able to hear loud 'thud's coming towards them. Looking under the stall door past the principal's feet and could see the thick stumps that were Mrs. Greenya's ankles, which moved up and down like pistons as they came closer and closer as Greenya ripped open stall doors. Finally, she came to the stall the principal was in.

As the door slammed open, Kiyomaro could hear the principal going from the advice of 'watch out for Shredder' to screaming in pain and confusion. Moments later, blood seeped under the stall wall.

Well, _that_ would stain the grout.

"Kiyomaro! We're next!" Gash squeaked, backing himself up against the wall as he observed in terror.

Kiyomaro and Gash looked at each other at disgusting munching noises floated from the other stall. After a few moments, they mutually decided without words that they would have a better chance at leaving the building alive if they fought back, and now was the time to attack her.

They ran out from the stall to the area behind Greenya's massive rear. All that remained of the principal was the puddle of blood; Greenya had eaten him, whatever he was smoking and all.

As the monster turned towards Kiyomaro and Gash, blood still dripping from her fangs from her snack of the principal, she licked her chops as clear bloodlust shone in her eyes.

Kiyomaro thought of how easily she had deflected Zakeruga as he opened the red book. He decided he would need a bigger spell. A way bigger one.

As Greenya rushed at the two, Kiyomaro took a deep breath.

"_Baou Zakeruga!_"

The dragon of lightning could barely be seen before colliding with Greenya's rather large person.

…………..

When the smoke cleared, Kiyomaro could see that the school was still standing. Greenya herself must have absorbed the blow. Greenya. Was she still alive? Apparently so, as she was standing, her hideously mismatched clothing still in one piece. However, Greenya squeezed under the wall of the stall into the next (with a great bit of difficulty) and out next to Kiyomaro and Gash in the aisle, who braced themselves for an attack of some sort.

That attack never came. Instead, Greeyna turned away and fled, limping. Even if her movement was wobbly, she was incredibly fast for someone of her weight.

As soon as Greenyas was out for sure, Kiyomaro checked the area for collateral damage. All he could find was the puddle of the principal's blood, and apparently the toilet was chipped from Baou Zakeruga. Oh well.

The janitor could mop up the blood, as it was his job. The grout was ruined, though. As for the toilet… well, Mochinoki _was_ a public school. Stuff happens. Besides, that's what super-glue is for.

So Kiyomaro and Gash fled the crime scene, leaving no proof behind that could ever be traced to them.

…………..

"Hey, Takamine-kun!" Kiyomaro looked up from his book to see Suzume Mizuno, who had just _recovered from her illness_ today. Suzume waved happily.

It had been half-a-week since the incident. Toyama had come back to teach again, as students had bailed him out of jail and he had gotten a firearms license. All was good.

"Back at school now that Mrs. Greenya's gone, huh, Mizuno?" Kiyomaro asked somewhat jokingly.

"Who?" asked Suzume, truly clueless to who this 'Mrs. Greenya' was.

"Ah, never mind." Kiyomaro flipped the page of his novel, Boogiepop and Others.

"Guess what, Takamine-kun! The principal ran away earlier this week!" said Suzume. "Weird, huh?"

Ran away. _Right._

Suzume raised a file from her side, and said, "We're getting a new one now! The piece of paper in this file I found in the office said that they called this new one 'Michael Jackson' in the last place where she was! Hey, Takamine-kun, who's Michael Jackson?"

Ignoring Suzume's question, Kiyomaro dropped his Boogiepop novel.

"No-o-o-o!"

_**END**_

…………..

A stupid ending for a stupid story. How fitting. Anyhow, I hope you got a few chuckles out of this. I hope.

Every time you decide not to review, Boogiepop goes crazy and kills five innocent people. (Yes, I like Boogiepop.) Review!


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